


Let The Light In

by pistachioinfernal



Series: Russian Swears and Coffee Spoons [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Past Rape/Non-con, Suicidal Thoughts, discussions of torture, no beta we die like ben, trying to shank your heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:47:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27692980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pistachioinfernal/pseuds/pistachioinfernal
Summary: Five is having a hard time dealing with what happened in Russia.His family notices.
Series: Russian Swears and Coffee Spoons [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025208
Comments: 4
Kudos: 61





	1. Chasing Out The Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> CW for discussions of attempted rape, past rape, brief mentions child sexual abuse, suicidal thoughts, and torture.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five just wants to work, Klaus just wants to talk.

Klaus knocked on Fives doorway. He looked up from where he was sitting on the corner of his bed, and then went back to writing.

“What is it Klaus?” he said to his younger brother.

Klaus fidgeted at the doorway, picking at some peeling paint on the door-frame. “So...what calculations are you doing if we stopped the apocalypse?”

Five shrugged. “I’m trying to get my old body back.” he said. Klaus scoffed.

“What, the fifty eight year old one? With all the... bad eyes, bad knees, rheumatism, arthritis etc.? You want that?”

He just doesn’t _understand_. It’s infuriating. Five glared at him.

“Yes I want that, I earned that! And I got respect, or at least more respect than I get now.” He paused. Or... “...Or maybe I could get the thirty year old one...that way I’d age at the same rate as the rest of you....I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.”

“Okay...cool.” Klaus is still in the doorway. Like he wanted something.

Five sighed. “Klaus...”

“So...Luther told me that you shot a dead guy in the dick?”

Five froze. He does not want to have this conversation. He shrugged casually. “He deserved it.”

“Okay....” Klaus walked into the room and sat down tailor fashion on the rug in front of him, cocking his head to the side. “Why?”

Why is Klaus so goddamned nosey?? Annoying, interfering and and and  
He realised that he was staring at his brother, not saying anything. Five felt the panic start to rise in his chest. A strangling, painful feeling, like he wanted to run away. He clenched his hands to teleport....but...

Instead, with an effort, he opened them, fingers splayed wide. Took a deep breath.  
Okay. Guess we’re doing this.

“I....” He began, then looked at his brother, just who sits there, patiently. “He...”

He pushed past the lump in his throat. “He tried...to.” He cleared his throat. “He tried to rape me. It wasn’t...he barely even touched me, but -”

 _Are you a dirty boy, hmm? A dirty child with a dirty mouth? I wonder little_ molokosos _, if that mouth can suck-_

Fives mouth hurts, and he realised he’s grinding his teeth.

Klaus just looked at him, sympathetic. “Yeah.”

“You knew?”

“Well dang Five!” he ran a hand through his hair. “I knew it had to be _something_ , the way you were acting.”

“I bit him.” Five smiled, baring his teeth. “Took a chunk right outta his hand. That’s why he didn’t....” His smile faded.

And then he had his asshole soldier torture me.

Five scrubbed at his face, pushing the thought away. “God...I hate being this young and small. Everyone wants a piece of you.”

“I know. I’m sorry buddy.”

Five blinked, frowning. “What do you mean ‘you know’?”

Klaus bit at a hangnail, looking away, then flicks his ‘Goodbye’ hand. “I was in jail remember? And on the street. I was young, I was a junkie.” He shrugged. “It happens.”

Five doesn’t know what to say to that. He does know that ‘it happens’ shouldn’t be something you say about rape and assault. That’s something that shouldn’t happen to _anyone_.

“I thought you were joking about being in jail.” he finally said.  
Klaus shook his head. “Nooope.” he smiled wryly. “If it was a joke, the punchline sure fucking sucked.”

Five feels...he feels...  
(He is literally the worst person to confide in.)  
He feels _enraged_. He hates them, _despises_ them, these people who hurt his brother. There shouldn’t _be_ people like that. He doesn’t know what to do.  
Okay...what would he want, if their positions were reversed?

“Do you want me to kill them?” he offered “Or torture? I’m easy, never tried it before, but I’m sure I could get the hang of it.”

Klaus stared at him, his eyes wide. “Um..no. Wait, maybe? Uh...I’ll get back to you.”

“Do the others know?”

Klaus shook his head no again. “But...you should tell them what happened to you...”

“You first.” said Five, smiling slightly.

Klaus returned the smile and snorted softly, looking down at the carpet as he drew patterns on it with his finger. “Right..”

Five sat for a while, saying nothing. “Thanks for killing that asshole who tried to fuck me.” he finally said. “It was...very satisfying.”

“Well technically it was the ghosts, but...you’re welcome.” said Klaus, shrugging.

There was a pause, a tense silence that's so strained it almost hurts.

“I feel so....angry, all the time.” Five suddenly said. “Not the usual kind.”

“You....usually feel angry all the time?” said Klaus, looking concerned.  
“Well yeah Klaus,” he said, shrugging. “Doesn’t everyone?”

Klaus shook his head. “No...”

“Anyway,” he pushed on. “It’s a different kind of anger. I get angry, but there’s...more....of it. And I feel like I want to kill someone, or myself and I just...” His mouth snapped shut, and he felt like he was going to vomit.

I want to kill someone, or myself. God...he really just said that out-loud.

He shut his eyes tight, burying his face in his hands. He can hear Klaus scooting closer on the carpet. “Five...hey, Five..at the risk of getting stabbed or something, do you want a hug?”

He nodded.

“Can I hug you?”

“Damnit Klaus, yes, okay?” he hissed. “Stop being such a goddamn millennial.”

Klaus snorted. “Ok boomer.” and wrapped him in his skinny arms. Five hugged him back fiercely, and it’s still so strange yet familiar, to be hugged by his brother.  
They finally pull back, and Five tousled his hair, smiling crookedly at him.

“We’re gonna be okay kid.”

Klaus seemed surprised at the gesture, then rolled his eyes. “Sure _dad_.” He flopped down on Fives bed, taking up all the space with his long legs, and they just sit there, quietly, for a moment.

“I’m hungry...” Five said suddenly. “Do you want anything?”

His brother blinked. “Um...maybe some crackers with cream cheese?” Five nodded. He blinked to the kitchen and made himself a peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich, then cream cheese on crackers for Klaus. And after a moments thought, he blinks to the library, grabs a book, then blinks to the kitchen and then back to his room with all the bounty.

‘Here you go.” he said, handing Klaus his plate.  
“Fuck yeah, gay rights! Thanks buddy.” said Klaus. Five blinked. “Uh...you’re welcome?” He isn’t sure what gay rights have to do with cream cheese, but he’ll go along with it. He sat back down on the bed and for a while there’s no sound as they eat.

Eventually Five is done, and he wipes his hands on a handkerchief.

“I thought I’d read some ‘Princess Bride’?” he said, holding up the book.

Klaus shrugged. “Uh..okay.”

“ ‘Chapter One, The Bride. The year that Buttercup was born, the most beautiful woman in the world was a French scullery maid named Annette-’”

“Wait, wait, you’re reading it out-loud?”

Five frowned at him. “Well obviously.”

“There is no ‘well obviously’, what brings this about pray tell?”

“Do you always try to make everything into a joke?” said Five.

“Sometimes.” said Klaus, shrugging.

“Look, when I was...recovering with Dima and Doctor Wakefield, they used to read to me. It was...”

Nice. Comforting. Good.

“It helped.”

Klaus nodded. “I’d like that..but you have to start at the beginning.”

Five rolled his eyes.

“That is the beginning you attention deficit child.”

“No no, the real beginning!” Klaus whines. “With all the authors notes stuff!”

“Seriously? No-one reads that part.” said Five. Klaus pouted and Five sighed. “...Fine.”

He begins at the ‘true’ beginning and Klaus settled into his bed. Five feels...better. Cleaner. Like he’d opened the door to a darkened room and let the light in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes for Chapter One.
> 
> This mostly came from the distasteful joke Klaus makes about prison rape in season one. I thought 'why would he do that', and this fic kinda came from there. And me wanting Five and Klaus to both confide in someone.
> 
> I also hesitated to include two memes in here, because memes have the shelflife of a gadfly, and also is there even internet in the TUA universe??? Still, it just seemed to work for the scene. Maybe in a few years, I'll include links to the memes in question so people can understand this fic ;)


	2. Feeling FIne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five keeps telling them, everythings fine. Why doesn't anyone believe him??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for PTSD, mentions of past trauma.

It was better. But it wasn’t _all_ better.  
Five knew it. Sudden movements made him twitch. His nightmares, which had abated after they’d come back from the Sparrow Universe, had returned in full force. An unexpected hand on his shoulder could lead to him pulling out a weapon on a shocked brother or sister.  
But he can handle it. He can always handle it. This is no different then learning how to survive in a wasteland, or learning how to kill.

He can handle it.

He’s just....coming to terms with his new reality. New data that he hasn’t had time to process.

But the more time passes, the more his siblings want answers from him. And he isn’t interested in that. More interested in just putting it behind him.

Dima and Wakefield don’t demand anything of him, and he spends more time with them both because of it. Though Dima watches him like a hawk, as if afraid that something was going to happen to him. Five finally had to take him aside and tell him that he was fine. The Russian shrugged, his face impassive as ever. “You do not seem so. My mother told me you would not be.”

“I don’t know how to tell you and Wakefield,” he said, rolling his eyes. “But I can take care of myself, have for a long time now.”

Dima shrugged again. “Everyone needs help. Even I. Even you _vseznayka_.” He gently tapped Five on the forehead. “Get smarter.”

Five stared at him a second, then gave him a wry smile. “Good advice.”

“I got it from a smart man.” said Dima, smiling back.

(If only his family were so easy to talk to.)

Every day it seemed he had to constantly reassure one or more of them that he was doing all right, wasn’t sobbing himself to sleep or wallowing in his own angst. Or they were pestering him with questions about his well being.

They meant well. But god they were annoying.  
He was fine, how many times did he have to say it? So what if he had a hard time eating lately, that was only because he wasn’t sleeping well. And he wasn’t sleeping well because he was having....  
Because he was....  
Because....

Because his bed was too soft, that’s all. If he got a firmer mattress, then he could sleep.

(It’s amazing how long a man could lie to himself a voice whispered in his head.)

But eventually, of course, it all came to a head. Because when had anyone in this family left well enough alone?  
He’d walked into the dinning room one evening to find his siblings having a meeting. And when he did, everyone stopped talking and stared at him.  
Except for Klaus, who looked everywhere but him.

“Well well well.” Five said, his voice cold. “It appears there was a family meeting....only I wasn’t invited.”

They all were staring at him.....god. Like he was broken. Like he was a victim. This is why he hadn’t told them. “Nice of you to share.” he bit out at Klaus.

He feels like his blood is boiling, like his body is going to tear itself apart. How dare he. How _dare_ he go behind his back!

Klaus held up his hands. “Okay yes, but in my defense-” Five advanced on him with a snarl and Klaus yipped, ducking behind Luther.

“There is no ‘but’! No-one gave you the right to do that, I certainly didn’t!”

“We were just worried Five, can you blame us?” said Luther, holding up his hands placatingly as Vanya shot him a worried look, her eyes going back and forth between her brothers. Five narrowed his eyes.

“Yes, I _can_. I was trapped in an apocalyptic wasteland for _forty five years_ , and none of you batted an eye! But the minute I-”

He snapped his mouth shut.

“Okay, you’re right, we should have asked you about that-” Allison said, and her tone is so fucking _reasonable_ he wants to scream. He turned on her, finger raised.

“No, that’s not the point! The point is that I’m _still_ fine! I was fine before, and I’m fine now!”

There was silence for a moment, then Diego muttered. “Yeah well...people who are fine aren’t usually screaming about it.”

You know what? Fuck this. Enough.

He Blinked away.

He went up on the roof of the Academy. Even that ape Luther would have a hard time getting up here, and no-one else in his family could make that climb.  
He sat down, and stared up at the stars, leaning back on his hands.  
Stars....stars were easy. They never demanded anything of him. Points of light, bright burning balls of plasma in the void of space.  
He didn’t even have that when he was in the apocalypse, not at first. Too much dirt and dust in the sky. It had been decades before he saw a clear blue sky. March 12th, 2045. He’d cried. Delores would have too, but she claimed she wasn’t the type.

Of course by then he was accustomed to weaker light. He'd had more than a few sunburns before he learned how to make a crude sunscreen.

Behind him, he heard the soft ‘thump’ of someone jumping onto the rooftop, followed by the slow, drag-step of familiar feet.

“Hey Pogo.” he said, not looking around.

“Master Five.” Pogo said in acknowledgement. The two of them spent a silent moment looking up at the sky.

“How did you know I was up here?”

Pogo allowed himself a small smile. “You used to come here when you were a child when anything upset you. Because you knew that none of your siblings could follow you.”

“Huh.” Five scowled to himself. “I didn’t remember that.”

There was silence for a moment, then Five spoke. “Did you know that there are no green stars?”

“Ah...no Master Five, I did not.”

“Yeah, basically the color of stars are determined by the substance they are composed of and fusing. Hydrogen fuses to helium, helium fuses to carbon and so on until iron. Each of these produce light in a particular spectrum, but none of them burn green, so that’s why there are no green stars. You have to come back to Earth to find green.”

Pogo sat down next to him. “I’ll take your word for it, astronomy was never my forte.” He grunted as he lowered himself to the ground.

“I don’t need anyone to check up on me Pogo.” Five said, still not looking at him.

“I beg to differ sir.”

“Why? Don’t any you trust me?”

“Master Five...if I may. After your ordeal, you have been not quite yourself, and today, after a very vocal and intense argument with your siblings, you vanished to the roof. Anyone would be concerned.”

Five snorted. “Don’t be absurd, I’m not going to jump. If I was going to off myself, I’d do something a little less....drawn out.”

Pogo sighed. “That isn’t as reassuring as you believe sir.”

“Pogo, I’m not suicidal.”

“Master Klaus seems to think-”

Five snorted. “Oh fuck Klaus. What does he know.”

“Rather a lot actually. I think you’ll find most of your siblings do, if you give them the chance.”

“They’re too young, too immature.”

“Master Five, how old do you think I am?”

Five looked at Pogo, frowning in consideration.  
“You know, I honestly don’t know.”

Pogo smiled. “I am as a matter of fact, 57 years of age, much older than most chimpanzees. So while I am perhaps, not as old and wise as you are, I still have the benefit of having seen your siblings grow up.”

Pogo looked up at the sky. “The abuse that you all suffered through in your younger years-”

“Abuse that you didn’t interfere with.” Five said acidly.

Pogo nodded sadly. “Just so..." He paused, then continued. "I am not saying that your life was not without hardship. But what you do not know is the training...the.... punishments that Mr. Hargreeves subjected the five of them doubled after you disappeared, and Master Ben...died. He used your absences as a lash, a way to drive them, to motivate them.”

“ ‘Look at what happened to the kids who didn’t listen, don’t make the same mistake.’” Five nodded, smiling grimly.

“Despite what you think, your siblings are quite intelligent Master Five. But they look at you, and they see you as you were, not as you are. And because of that and their past, they have a strong desire to protect and help you.”

“So instead of acting, they react and overreact.” said Five, nodding.

“They are trying their very best, to understand and respect your boundaries. But they falter, because they care, because they are _human_.”

Five shot Pogo a sly glance. “Does that mean that you’re flawless because you aren’t?”

Pogo laughed, shaking his head. “Oh far from it sir.”

Five sighed, and stood up. “I suppose I should go speak to them, huh.”

Pogo shrugged “You can...or you could do so in the morning, I doubt they would begrudge you.”

Five shook his head briskly.  
“No..I wouldn’t want to be left waiting, so I won’t leave them.”

Pogo nodded as Five stood.

“Come on then old man.” said Five. He held out his hand to Pogo and helped him up, then sighed, straightening his shoulders.

“Time to face the music.”

They Blinked into the dining room. His siblings were all there, talking to each other, along with Dima and Wakefield. They stoped when he entered.

“Klaus shouldn’t have told you what happened without my permission.” he said without preamble, letting his gaze rest on Klaus, who cringed.

“But in a way, I’m glad he did. It’s out in the open.” He choose to ignore the small ‘yes!’ that he heared from his brother.

He sighed. “I’m going to give you a more full account of what happened. But I need you to know, that I don’t need your protection just your...”

He frowned as words failed him.

“Your understanding.” said Vanya suddenly. Five looked at her, and she ducked her head shyly. Catching her eye, he nodded in approval. “Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes for Chapter Two:
> 
> Five thinks to himself 'if only his family were so easy to talk to.' Five is, in typical Five fashion, being rather unfair and condesending. The reason he feels more comfortable around Dima and Wakefield is because they already know the details of what he's been through. They also aren't his family, so the emotional stakes aren't as high for Five as they are with the other Hargreeves. Basically? Five is being a coward in this instance.
> 
> Pogo not interfering or leaving the Academy despite the abuse the kids went through is an interesting question. Why did he stay? Well, we know he thinks of Reggie as his father, and maybe he didn't have anywhere else to go. Hopefully those questions will be answered sometime, who knows?
> 
> Five talking to Pogo on the roof was inspired by [this art!](https://albaharu.tumblr.com/post/636144482471067648/anon-request-can-you-do-five-and-pogo-on-the-roof)
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it! If you did, please leave a comment! :)

**Author's Note:**

> This mostly came from the distasteful joke Klaus makes about prison rape in season one. I thought 'why would he do that', and this fic kinda came from there. And me wanting Five and Klaus to both confide in someone.
> 
> I also hesitated to include two memes in here, because memes have the shelflife of a gadfly, and also is there even internet in the TUA universe??? Still, it just seemed to work for the scene. Maybe in a few years, I'll include links to the memes in question so people can understand this fic ;)


End file.
